(Nothing But) Flowers

24 02 2017

About six (or seven – I’ve been working on this for a while) weeks ago I made a rash decision. And it was a decision I regretted immediately.

Here we stand
Like an Adam and an Eve
Waterfalls
The Garden of Eden
Two fools in love
So beautiful and strong
The birds in the trees
Are smiling upon them
From the age of the dinosaurs
Cars have run on gasoline
Where, where have they gone?
Now, it’s nothing but flowers

Making rash decisions is nothing new to me, really.  The biggest example of this would have to be my ill-fated move to Las Vegas for a job.  And even though things didn’t work out the way I had hoped, I still don’t regret it.  Sure, I came back to Texas with my proverbial tail between my legs – and broke (not from gambling).  But the lasting impression of that month will not be that it was a failed venture.

No, the lasting impression will be of that cross country trip I got to take with my friend Nathan (and my dog Bodie).  The laughs we had, the deep thoughts we shared way too late at night.  Meeting friends I had known online for several years but had never met in person, spanning the country from Los Angeles to Atlanta, from casting directors to airline poster girls.  The friendly dude running the hotel in Albuquerque (stayed there on both ends of the round trip) who let my dog stay for free.  The freaks on Fremont Street.  The cheap cigarettes on the rez, available in a drive thru with pneumatic tubes.

All of that tops my memory of that month.  The failure of the venture is not forgotten, but instead looked upon as a learning experience.  And, with all the good memories, it was a fun learning experience at that.

And, really, that is how it has been for the bulk of my life.  Everything for a reason, a reason for everything.  Right?

Or, maybe I’m just always trying to look on the bright side?

That Vegas pipe dream was in early 2011.  I had just started dating again right before the move, but I never got serious about anyone.  I can kid myself now and say that the right woman would have made me get serious, but I am also honest enough with myself to know that I wasn’t ready.  Of course, I didn’t know that then.

I feel like I need to be clear here: I only saw two women during that time, and never did they overlap.  That’s not my jams, so to speak.

I am still friends with both, by the way.  And grateful for that.

I guess I said all that as an attempt to convey that I had become jaded.  I was convinced that I’d never fall in love again.  I may have loved both of them (and still do), but I was not in love with them.  Or if I was, I stifled it well.

I was still getting used to freedom.  My own time.  Plus, I was at a major crossroads in my life as it pertained to jobs and where I was going to live.  I directed all my angst inward and began to just look out for myself.

If you want to call that “getting selfish”, you’ll get no argument here.

Years ago
I was an angry young man
And I’d pretend
That I was a billboard
Standing tall
By the side of the road
I fell in love
With a beautiful highway
This used to be real estate
Now it’s only fields and trees
Where, where is the town
Now, it’s nothing but flowers
The highways and cars
Were sacrificed for agriculture
I thought that we’d start over
But I guess I was wrong

I’d forgotten so much about being in love that I had also forgotten that it also felt… good. And painful.  But a good painful.

And it just happened, as is often the case.  Or so I hear.

I didn’t ask for it, and I damn sure didn’t want it.  But when it happened?  I was pretty ecstatic about it and knew I wanted it.

I ended up rediscovering a part of myself that I’d long since thrown away.  But it was a better version of me.  I was more amenable to personal change and no longer hiding behind the “that’s just me” excuse.  In other words, I made a conscious effort to do whatever I could to better myself for the sake of the relationship.

I did not see that coming.

Once there were parking lots
Now it’s a peaceful oasis
You’ve got it, you’ve got it
This was a Pizza Hut
Now it’s all covered with daisies
You got it, you got it
I miss the honky tonks,
Dairy Queens, and 7-Elevens
You got it, you got it
And as things fell apart
Nobody paid much attention
You got it, you got it

When I began writing this, I thought it was going to be a type of diatribe.  I was going to get everything – all my frustrations and failures – off of my proverbial chest.  But a funny thing happened on the way to the office…

I kept hitting “delete” because none of it felt right.  After all, as mentioned above, I have been in the exact same situation before, only reversed.  At that time, I was the one fighting deeper and more meaningful feelings.  So I guess it is only fair that karma returns the favor.

But that doesn’t lessen the sting, even if it is self-imposed.

What was once fun, exciting, and even life changing is now nothing but flowers.

I dream of cherry pies,
Candy bars, and chocolate chip cookies
You got it, you got it
We used to microwave
Now we just eat nuts and berries
You got it, you got it
This was a discount store,
Now it’s turned into a cornfield
You’ve got it, you’ve got it
Don’t leave me stranded here
I can’t get used to this lifestyle
– “(Nothing But) Flowers”, Talking Heads

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One response

24 02 2017
dex3703

In a few years, or months, or hours, you will see how wise you were.

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