Why Can’t We Be Friends?

In a recent bout with boredom, I took several of those silly Facebook quizzes that give you an alternate name for a certain era or profession.  Two of my results really stuck with me.  My 70s name (Scott) and my rapper name (MC Droop Sonic). Eventually, they both developed specific personalities in my head.  So what would happen if they were not only friends, but roommates?

When the alarm went off at 6:30am, Scott dutifully rolled over and turned it off.  He did not hit the snooze button – that was for the hippies from the 60s – but elected to turn it off at once and spring out of bed.

He immediately went to the bathroom to brush, floss, and shower.  In that order.  He hung his iPhone in a freezer bag in his shower and selected a song from his library to listen to as he cleansed himself. As Thin Lizzy blared through his phone, he wondered what he was going to do for the next 8 1/2 hours.

Because his roommate – and best friend – would not wake up until 3pm.  As usual.

And that led to Scott ruminating about how he met MC Droop Sonic in the first place…


MC Droop Sonic stood in da club, in this case Applebee’s, looking for the signs directing him to the restroom.  His high heeled boots kissed the tiled floor in time with the song that was playing over the restaurant speakers. “Mediate” by INXS never sounded so good as it did mixed with the footfalls of boots that were born thanks to the 70s fad band known as KISS.

Many people in the rapping community, as MC Droop Sonic called it, were more into “Regulate”.  And that might even involve fisticuffs!  But Droop much preferred to “moderate” (ending in long “a”, not a short “a”), much like the current INXS song bursting through the Bose. He’s a lover, not a fighter.

After he got done freeing his body of excess fluids, Droop washed his hands at the sink and reached for a paper towel to dry off.  Unfortunately, the spindle was empty.  And there was no way he was going to wipe his hands on his tailored pants just to dry them off.  So he stood near the door and shook his hands violently in an effort to dry them.

And then the door slung open.


As Scott walked in the restroom, he saw the palest black man he’d ever seen doing some weird dance that only involved his hands.  Scott shrugged his shoulders and placed the fresh roll of paper towels he was carrying on the counter and started to return to his station at the kitchen sink.


Scott stopped when he heard this, oddly aware that it was meant for him, and turned around slowly.  He was then looking at a man roughly 20 years younger than him, barely darker of skin than him, and smiling.  Profusely.

Scott said the only thing that came to his mind at the time.



“MC Droop Sonic in da house!”

Why he yelled that, he didn’t know.  But it felt right.  He really just meant to thank the dude for bringing in a new roll of paper towels, but instead he basically introduced himself.

Droop instinctively held his hand up for a high five, but this Applebee’s dude instead moved in with his hand low, like going for a shake.  A handshake?  He’d heard about them, but never witnessed them in person.  So he held his hand high, not giving in to temptation.  He had an image to uphold, after all.

So he stood there, looking like an idiot, with his hand raised above his head while this white dude was doing the handshake version of the Heisman pose.


“MC Droop Sonic?” thought Scott. “What a keen name!”

As he looked at the bronze guy in front of him (Cuban? Dominican? Nah – just a very tan Caucasian), Scott felt in awe.  During his time as an Applebee’s employee, Scott had the chance to help/meet many famous people.  A city council person, a member of the local school board, and the store manager of the town’s CVS.

But this guy in the bathroom, doing the funky hand dance?

Scott felt enamored, but in a totally heterosexual way.  He just wanted to be friends with this Droop guy.  Nay – not just friends.  But best friends.

“Hi! I’m Scott!” he replied enthusiastically.


(Sitcom theme song plays here. “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”, of course.)

Should I continue this mess?  Does anyone really care about the further adventures of MC Droop Sonic and Scott?



2 thoughts on “Why Can’t We Be Friends?

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