Warning: This Is About Baseball

18 02 2015

The title of this entry sucks, but regular readers are used to a song title as the lead in.  Not tonight.  I wanted to turn off 80% of my readers right away because I know they won’t care about the subject.  I care about them and want to spare them the anguish.  Of the other 20%, maybe 5% will read this.  And of those 5%, maybe – maybe – 1% will give a shit.  I love you, 1%.

The baseball team I live and die by – The Texas Rangers – has a new manager this year.  Ron Washington is gone, along with all his colorful expressions, Fred Sanford hair, and odd verb usage.

“That’s just the way my hair grow.”

“You never know how booty-holes gonna act.”

And his most famous “That’s the way baseball go.”

Damn, I’m going to miss that guy.  To date, nothing has come out as to why he resigned with one month to go last season, but there are credible theories out there from people (ok – one person) that I trust.  But this is not an entry about Wash.  Nor is it about his temporary replacement to end the 2014 season.  (That was Tim Bogar, and he basically kicked ass.)

No, this entry is about the new manager of the Rangers:  Jeff Banister.

First, shouldn’t there be another “n” in that last name?  Every baseball player I’ve ever heard of with that last name pronunciation had the last name spelled “Bannister”.

Second, when I hear him talk, I think “football coach” and not “baseball manager”.  I live in Texas and am acutely aware of how football coaches talk.  And you know what?  That would be cool if he looked like, say, Kevin Kennedy.  But he doesn’t.  He looks like Chris Cooper in American Beauty.

Creepy.

Lastly, he uses the term “men” too much.  I guarantee you that he will never substitute the words “guys” or “dudes” for “men”.  There is something weird about that.  Normal people don’t talk that way.  “These are my guys”, for example, has a much nicer ring to it than “These are my men”.

<Shudder>

I still think there is enough talent on this Rangers team to make this an interesting season, but that is where it ends.  The post-game press conferences will be a cacophony of “never ever quit” and “these men (insert verb here).  They are (insert adjective here.)”  Mad-libs for the 2015 baseball season.

No f-bombs.  No Winstons.  I miss Wash already.

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