NSFW Email Sent To Online Retailer

9 02 2015
(This just happened.  What follows is an email I composed to an Amazon.com retailer that has failed to live up to expectations, to put it mildly.  I started out with a Jerry Seinfeld “Letters From a Nut” feel but quickly morphed into pissed off Texan.)
Dearest fine goods seller –

First, thank you for accepting my order in mid-January. Double thanks for accepting my payment at that time! I know it was convenient for you, especially considering that the item I bought was a birthday gift and delivery was guaranteed before the “big day”. I’d hate for a company to have to ship an item without getting payment upfront.

Oh. Wait.

The “big day” was January 29. The item still has not arrived and the company has apparently changed hands. Seamlessly? I think not. But, oh well. The item was promised to be delivered within two additional weeks due to the chaos created by the company changing hands. And now?

Well, now is when I get ghetto on your ass.

You fucking suck. In fact, you suck a big barrel of donkey dicks.
You offered to refund my money when the shipment was delayed but I declined because – get this – the refund of my money would take as long as the delayed shipment of the gift. I decided to wait for the gift.

And now you tell me that the item is no longer available? What the fuck has been going on? Did natural resources run out? Did good business sense turn into “ha ha – fuck you, idiot consumer”? Did the amber not turn out the animal you expected it to? (And if you don’t get that Jurassic Park reference, then DOUBLE fuck you.)

So here is how we’re going to handle this. You are going to refund my money. RIGHT NOW. IMMEDIATELY. None of this “it takes two weeks”
bullshit. I know better than that. There are ways to get things done. The only question right now is if you are going to take your hand out of the pockets of consumers and do the right fucking thing.

Sadly, I’m guessing you will not. You’ll hide behind “procedure” or “process” or “they can’t trace my IP address”.

Did I mention that you need to refund my money immediately? I am not fucking kidding about this. This is not some teenage dance when White Lion was played instead of Spandau Ballet. You are messing with money. Money set aside for a gift.

A gift.

Are you familiar with that term? I’m guessing that you’re not. I’m also guessing that you are a Spandau Ballet fan. They are the fucking worst.

And now I’m doubly pissed because you made me think of Spandau Ballet.
No – make that triply pissed. 1) Did not get the item I ordered. 2) Was charged for said item. 3) Fucking Spandau Ballet.

Refund my money. NOW,. Because you completely suck. If you tell me the refund will take two weeks, we are going to have a problem. That means you have already snorted my money off of the ass of some hooker.
Or bought some new horn rimmed glasses. Both scenarios are believable, you fucking piece of shit.

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