The Pretender – A Drinking Game

Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there

I have a friend in California (yes, we have met in person – had beers together at Quinn’s in Round Rock) who has been purchasing tickets for Lakers games on Craig’s List for years.  Rather than get into the rationale behind that, because he has been doing it flawlessly for 10 years, I’d rather talk about his most recent experience.  Because it was bad.  And he wants revenge.

He wired money to the guy selling the most recent tickets.  Directly to a Wells Fargo account.  In other words, he has the guy’s bank account number and routing number.  (I presume it’s a guy.  There is a name attached to this, and we’ll get to it in a minute.)

But the tickets?  No go.  My friend, after 10 years of successfully performing this exact type of transaction, was conned.  There were no tickets to be had.  And the guy selling them?  Apparently, he didn’t care.  But he also had no idea who he was messing with.  Because if he did, would he really have given a name (Losha White, probably made up) and a phone number (717-406-5795, not made up)?

And that phone number is the premise of the games I am about to propose to you, the gentle (and honest!) reader.  Forget beer pong or quarters.  We are all grown-ups here, though admittedly some of us less than others.  So how can we incorporate the above phone number from a scofflaw into game nights with friends?  Let me tell you…

  1. Monopoly:  When any player has to go to jail, make them call 717-406-5795 to get out.  Sample call dialogue:  “Hey, I just got thrown in jail while playing Monopoly.  I thought maybe we could be cellmates?  But I don’t give reach-arounds.”
  2. Battleship:  When you have a submarine that is one peg away from hitting the bottom of the ocean, you are required to call 717-406-5795 and ask for monetary proceeds from bogus ticket sales to repair your submarine.  If he answers, you get to remove one peg from your sub.
  3. Operation:  If you touch the sides, call 717-406-5795 and demand a kidney (or, even better, a liver) to save someone’s life.
  4. Life:  If you get a crappy job, like less than $20K/year, call 717-406-5795 and ask for more money based on false basketball ticket sales.
  5. Uno:  If your discard leaves you with one card in your hand and you forget to say “Uno”, you are then required to call 717-406-5795.  But since he cannot help at all in this situation, you have to quiz him about his diet.  No – you have to *berate* him about his diet.  I’ll bet he is one fat fuck.
  6. Go Fish:  If you ask for a card that your opponent does not have, you need to call 717-406-5795 and ask for the same card.  If he does not have it, ask for Lakers tickets.  Chances are he won’t have those, either.  Then just cuss a blue streak.
  7. Spin the Bottle:  Bottle lands on you?  Call 717-406-5795 and tell him what an ass he is for stealing money from my friend.
  8. Phil Simms Football Challenge:  Watch a football game in which Phil Simms provides color commentary.  Every time Phil says something stupid, the last person to realize it must call 717-406-5795 and explain (probably to voicemail) what Phil said and why it was so stupid.  Oh, and add “please don’t steal money for tickets you don’t have”.
  9. The Lebowski:  Watch “The Big Lebowski”.  Every time someone in the movie says “fuck”, call 717-406-5795 and just yell “You’re out of your element!”

Shit.  I wanted to go longer, but that last one was too good…

In all seriousness, the authorities have been called on this 717-406-5795 guy, and maybe something will happen to him to teach a lesson (but I doubt it), so in the meantime I completely endorse the 9 games above.


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