Ladies and gentlemen, straight from the Home Office in Leming, Texas (yes, it exists, even if it is short one letter) is tonight’s Top 10 List. The category? The Top 10 Things To Do To Prepare For A Night In Jail…
10) Wear socks, because concrete is very cold on bare feet. (I was covered there, thankfully.)
9) Have phone numbers memorized, like back in the good old days. Your cell phone’s contact list will not be handy.
8) Wear a hoodie. Not only is it kept cold in there, but – hey – extra padding for lack of a pillow! (I get half-points here. I was wearing a sweater.)
7) If your vehicle is not going to be impounded, put the cigs in your pocket so that they will be there when you get out.
6) Gorge yourself ahead of time. Never before had I seen something that truly qualifies as “mystery meat straight from a human organ”.
5) Pick the county carefully. This one is truly awful.
4) Go ahead and get a DUI. Hell, make it multiples! Those people get out much quicker than first time offenders like me (with a charge of “unregistered animal” when our Lhasa/Shitzu mix got out of the backyard).
3) There is never a number 3.
2) Have a kick-ass boss who recently had a brother undergo the same silly treatment. Scoreboard!
1) Have effin’ cash, because they don’t take debit.