Imagine Dennis Miller saying something like “The room was so odorous, it was as if Pol Pot had been feasting for hours on bulgogi and kimchi.” (Insert his silly giggle here.)
But kimchi, in fact, it is a Korean side dish. And, in typical Dawn fashion, she was craving Korean food a few weeks ago and she implored me to try it out.
“You have to try bulgogi!”
So I did. And somehow lived to tell about it.
The bulgogi (definition here) itself wasn’t that bad. However, like a lot of ethnic foods that come from not-so-clean countries, there was the hint of dirt in the taste. For the record, I feel the same way about tortillas in Mexico – like they were cooked on a griddle that had been coated with street grime or was used to dry the sweat off of clothes after a long day in the fields. I could tolerate this beef dish, though, even though I found it greatly overrated.
Then I moved on to the side dish. The devil. The kimchi.
I put a bite in my mouth and immediately blanched as I attempted to chew it. There was no way I was going to make this food go down, at least not without it coming right back up. So I did the polite thing… I lowered my head right above my plate and spit that shit out. Then I took a long pull on my diet soda and headed straight for the bathroom just in case.
While gone, a woman sitting near us with her husband asked Dawn if it was the kimchi that did me in. She was disappointed because now there was no way her husband was going to try his. But I feel pretty proud because I saved that guy.
If you haven’t checked out the link with the definition of kimchi above, let me just say that it is a cabbage-based side. Unfortunately, the only cabbage I ever eat is when it is turned into cole slaw. In fact, many times I have walked into my mom’s house wondering who has been farting up a storm only to realize that she boiled cabbage – perhaps as many as two days ago. And to make matters worse, the cabbage used in kimchi is fermented. Take a moment to digest that.
(Ironically enough, if I had swallowed it, I would have digested it in a nanosecond. Forget “a moment”.)
So this has been a public service announcement denouncing fermented meals. And, yes, that includes yogurt. Gross.
I hope that the guy at the restaurant is not the last person I help in this regard.