In Your Garage

It didn’t take long after we moved into the house to realize that we live in Garage Sale Central. Every weekend we see signs in our neighborhood haphazardly taped onto street signs promoting, well, crap. Or treasures. It depends on how you look at things.

So it has become a ritual of ours to browse on every Saturday morning. After all, there is no shortage of driveways to invade.

In the past few weeks we have garnered the following: an armoire entertainment center ($47), the coolest coffee table EVER ($40), some hardback books (25 cents each), some TV trays (five bucks), and a kick-ass backpack for hiking ($10 – and well worth it). We also got some lawn tools because, as someone once said, you ain’t lived until you’ve bought a hoe ($1).

And every time we are garage hopping, I am reminded of a great bit by stand-up comic Jake Johannsen…

There is always this old woman standing there, with her can of Diet 7-Up equipped with a bendy straw, looking at something marked 25 cents while saying, “I wouldn’t pay more than a dime for that.” To which Jake replies, “Lady – it’s a freaking quarter.”

So here are some garage sale-related quick hits:

  • Enough with the computer monitors, already. I swear that every single garage sale has at least one bulky monitor for sale, and most have several. Perhaps it is because we are so close to Dell headquarters…
  • Pricing is so subjective. We stopped at one sale because Dawn saw a ceramic pink flamingo – about a foot tall – that she thought would look kitschy in our backyard. The price on it? Twelve-fucking-fifty. So she bought a cast iron kettle for a buck instead. Go figure.
  • A lot of people use garage sales to meet people, especially the transplants (like us). Sad. Whatever happened to bars?
  • Most of the books at these sales are books that I have already read. John Grisham, “Sex For (Or With) Dummies”, etc.
  • One woman was hosting her sale for charity. Now that’s the spirit. (And thanks for inadvertantly making me feel guilty for not buying anything. Bitch.)

And now, if you have an hour to kill, watch this video aptly titled “This’ll Take About An Hour” to see the stand-up brilliance of Jake Johannsen. Ranks right up there with Stephen Wright, Dmitiri Martin, and the late Mitch Hedberg. Indulge me.


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