The Gallows Polecat

It was a relaxing night for a change, even including the requisite hour and a half grocery excursion to Wal-Mart and the thrashing of putting up all the goodies. Dawn and I relaxed in the living room and popped in a recently rented DVD (‘Disturbia’ – disappointing movie). After that snooze-fest was over, we popped in season 1 of HBO’s ‘Extras’ (our new favorite show) and laughed just as hard as we did the first time two times we saw it.

Brief tangent: Dawn wrote about the show, so I have avoided doing the same. However, how can I continue to leave it out of this space when it introduces phrases like “purple headed womb ferret” into my vocabulary? Especially as that line is spoken by Kate Winslet while dressed as a nun. (I won’t imbed the video this time, but you can watch the clip here. Sadly, though, one of the funniest lines gets cut off at the end. Just think of Winslet talking dirty to Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels.)

Anyway, back to the story now.

As the hour grew late, we decided to move to the bedroom to finish watching the ‘Extras’ DVD while drifting off to sleep… and then we were rousted around 2:30am because one of our dogs would not quit barking in the backyard. I could tell by the bark that there was no intruder or anything like that, but it was the type of bark that meant she wanted to come inside. No problem, really, because she rarely asks for that and we had already intended on letting her sleep inside only to be told (by her, as only she can do) that she wanted to go out.

So I went to the back door, opened it, and as Hailey rushed in it hit me, though I was too late to stop it.

Effin’ skunk spray.

Within a matter of seconds, our living room smelled like I imagine Courtney Love’s crotch smelling. (I don’t imagine that very often. Honest.) Between the door opening and our dog flying all over the place out of excitement, the odor gave new meaning to the word “reek”. I somehow managed to wrangle Hailey into the garage where she promptly jumped up into my smoking chair and rubbed her fur all over it, effectively making my get-away spot smell like a Pete Doherty bowel movement. But, knowing that skunks are nocturnal animals, I was not letting my pup back outside until morning.

Well, that was this morning. I awoke and went to let her from her temporary jail and back outside only to be hit with the foulness once again. Now our entire garage smells like Patti Smith’s hairy armpits.

I did some looking online this morning and found several homemade remedies for removing the smell. However, they all came with warnings like “do not seal because it will explode” or “may change your dog’s appearance by several shades” or “may get the song ‘Manamana’ stuck in your head for days” so I think the safest route is to go to Petsmart and buy the pre-mixed stuff. No tomato juice here, as I read that the other solutions are more effective.

Oh, and mothballs. Because that is evidently the safest way to rid the yard of the beast itself.


To end on a good note, here is the full Kate Winslet quote from the ‘Extras’ clip linked to above:

Oh yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Why don’t you just start with something light, you know, like um – “I’d love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa-Loompas,” you know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, run with the old classics, like “I’m playing with my dirty pillows,” “I’m aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret.” And then go straight in hard, like “Get ’round here ’cause I’m fudding myself stupid and I’m bloody loving it.” Right?

Watch the damned show, already.


6 thoughts on “The Gallows Polecat

  1. leemerette

    I love it when the British talk dirty, it sounds so…..erotic. Loves me some Kate Winslet.

    I wonder if Cliff and Wendy talk dirty like that? Not to each other…just in general.

  2. Haha! I’m glad you find it erotic, Dawn. It takes me a while to get used to dirty words spoken in any other accent.

    I don’t know about Cliff and dirty talk, but he swears like a trooper. Having said that, he did call me a spunk-hungry cock-hound in last week’s management meeting. Does that count?

    PS For the avoidance of doubt, he didn’t really.

  3. I am suddenly thankful we have no skunks here. The worst our dog can do is drink rainwater out of a puddle of semi-dissolved rabbit poo. Or maybe roll in it. (No, actually, you were funny.)

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